Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
