ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
