Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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