Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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