I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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