sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
