I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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