I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
