i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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