I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
