Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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