chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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