he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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