you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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