Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
