the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
