Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
