I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So. Much. Porn.
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