never play flip cup with pint glasses
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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