hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need water and some morals
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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