i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
