I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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