I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
