My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
