she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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