I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
