K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
