I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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