im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
