it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
