My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
