margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
