Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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