Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
