Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
