While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
