Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
