my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
