I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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