Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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