Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
