I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
