Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
