She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
