My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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