new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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