Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
