im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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