he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
