I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
